Attack-Defend - The Recipe for Arguing.

Many of the couples I have coached come to me exhibiting a pattern of behaviour that is one of the most destructive, destroying and detrimental ways of communicating with a loved one.  I call this the “Attack–Defend” pattern.  This pattern allows two people to vent their anger and frustration without actually dealing with any root cause, without either of them looking at the way they themselves are behaving.  One party will defend his or her own behaviour and attack the behaviour of the other.

“No I Don’t!  Well you always leave the….” - “I’ve done it once.  In any case, you never…..” - “I did it just the other day.  What about your…”

And so it continues; attack-defend-attack-defend-attack.  And after all, if you feel you are being attacked in any situation the most natural thing is to defend yourself, and then attack back.

This pattern also tends to focus on behaviours that you do not want. So, how do you break this loop?

It takes two people to argue, to maintain the loop, but it only takes one of you to break it. Can you find the strength, patience, indeed belief and love to hold back from the defensive and then attacking side of the conversation?  Could you, instead, say something along the lines of

“I don’t want to talk about this now, we’re both angry.  Let’s talk about it when we have both calmed down.”

By doing so you have acknowledged that the situation is emotive, you both have unhelpful feelings right now, and you have also offered a way forward. You may find that initially your partner will want to continue with the cycle.

“Oh, you would say that now you have no way of <defending yourself>…”

If you can take that “on the chin” and refrain from the cycle, it will break.  You can then take the time out to consider what the real problem was.  And if you are unsure, approach the subject when the two of you are in a calmer, objective mood, and concentrate on how you both want things to be.

“You mentioned earlier that you want me to help you more with….  How would you like me to do that?”

Or

“When you get in from work, please can you help me by doing….  I will feel so much more relaxed if you do.”

Break the loop, stop arguing about what you don't want, and find ways of supporting each other in achieving what you do want.

Make Love, Not War.

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